Wednesday, April 22, 2009

how I know your kids are easier to raise than my dog

My dog Alabama is just as much of a commitment as your child and whoever said dog rearing is practice for child raising definitely never met her. The reason I can say with such conviction that being Bama's owner is no easier of a job than being your kid's parent, is because all it takes is a Bama-story or two and even my friends that are parents are agreeing with me on this one. Hear me out and then let me know if you think I might be right about this, or if you think I need to get a hobby and stop paying so much attention to my dog...


Alabama = half coonhound + half pit bull Alabama was bred for hunting wild boar. Coonhounds hunt by chasing their target - which can be anything from a raccoon to a bear- up are tree and keeping them there until someone shoots the animal down. Wild boar on the other hand tend to meet their aggressors head on which is why the boar hunting hobbyist I got Bama from armed her with the physical power, agility, and unshakable willingness that's characteristic of the pit bull. I very clearly remember the highly amused expression he wore when he realized my intention was to keep her as a pet. "I don't got no sissy dogs," he said.

2. The Worrisome Factor To a parent it is often a very real worry that one day their child may start snorting cocaine. But wouldn't it be even more disturbing if you found your child had snorted something strange, like a foxtail for instance? Alabama snorts foxtails up her nose like nobody's business. There were two separate instances of foxtail snorting in her first year alone. And you think cocaine is dangerous... Get this: If left untreated an ingested foxtail burrows through flesh and brains, sometimes resulting in death. Now that's a nasty habit. And with the vet bills that resulted from the foxtail incidents, cocaine is actually sounding like a cheap habit. And at least drugs aren't growing absolutely everywhere you like 9 months out of the year. Bama has to wear a muzzle this season - not because she bites but because I have to keep her from snorting foxtails.



The Respect Factor Some Sunday mornings I will take Bama in the car with me to the best donut shop in my city and hand pick some lovelies to surprise E with. Do any of you ever take such a trip with your child? When you decide to run into the supermarket for a gallon of milk on your way home from the donut shop, do you come back to find lemon filling smeared on your seat, powdered sugar everywhere, zero donuts, and a very guilty looking child? I didn't think so. And I doubt a week later the same exact thing happens to you again except it is a jalepeno and cream cheese stuffed loaf from the mexican bakery.


The Expensive Factor
You think your kids are expensive don't you? Well I bet you can make budget-conscious decisions when it comes to their meals, can't you? I bet you can choose not to feed them the financial equivalent of Beluga caviar at each meal. I have tried every kind of dog food out there and the only food Bama can eat costs $65 per 40lb bag. In comparison: a 40 lb bag of Costco dog food is $15. And you can get it at Costco. You don't have to get it from the vet's office. The expense of Bama's food really starts to get on my nerves so sometimes I try to cheat and mix in some other food that is also of high quality but a little less hard on my cash flow. I'll spare you the details, but I always regret doing this.

With Bama I have a new story to tell every day even though the only stories worth telling about Bama are the ones that involve some sort of bad behavior or problem. If I instead talked about playing catch with her and bragged about how high she can jump and catch the frisbee, my friends would be bored. I'm so glad she's not a sissy dog.

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